


Harbored Lies and Shattered Hearts

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Gen, Male-Female Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 11:12:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12034701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	Harbored Lies and Shattered Hearts

Not smart enough.

Not strong enough.

Not quick enough.

Not good enough.

Emily’s death threw into sharp relief just how “not good enough” Spencer felt. It was a Tuesday. And for the third time this week he found himself outside JJ’s door. This is how it had been lately. The second he distracted his mind with anything, his brain would float away from his pain, but once that act was over, his brain shot right back to what plagued him. In this case - he wasn’t good enough. If he’d been quicker, maybe he could’ve helped her. If he’d been smarter, maybe he could’ve predicted the path this case would’ve taken. If he was good enough, Emily wouldn’t be dead.

But she was - because he wasn’t good enough.

“Hey, Spence,” JJ said softly. He’d already been there twice this week. She knew the drill. She’d sit there and help him work through the pain of losing one of his best friends, all while knowing that friend wasn’t actually dead. For nearly a week, he’d holed himself up in his apartment, not talking to anyone, not answering any phone calls, nothing. Finally, he’d gotten the strength to talk to someone, and while JJ was glad he’d come to her - they were best friends after all - if he’d gone to Morgan or Rossi or Garcia, she wouldn’t have to live with the fact that she was straight up lying to her best friend in the entire world and the godfather to her son. “Come on in.”

Like the last two days, as soon as she invited him in, he went to sit on the couch, not saying a word and just staring off into space; she could only imagine what was going on in that big brain of his. She grabbed a glass of water for them both and sat down next to him. Considering the pattern so far, she’d fully expected him to say nothing, but he took her off guard. “JJ, I don’t know what to do.”

Flat affect. There was nothing there. So not like what she was used to from him.

“What do you mean?” Open-ended questions always worked better for him. 

When Spencer looked at her, tears near to covering his pupils, she was suddenly shocked into awareness. She hadn’t actually seen his face since the funeral. He was absolutely, positively distraught. She had the truth lying right in her head, and she couldn’t say anything. “I literally don’t know what to do. I go on autopilot in regards to daily functions, but otherwise…nothing. All I do is sit on my couch and cry.”

JJ reached out and placed her hand on his arm. Although Spencer was accustomed to touch with everyone, with her it was always accepted. Somehow his arm warmed to her touch, which allowed his tears to flow freely. “I know,” she replied, her voice cracking as she spoke. “I think about her every day.”

Spencer choked back a sob and covered his mouth with his oversized sweater sleeve. Without thinking, his head lurched forward into JJ’s shoulder; she just cradled his head like she would her son. Rubbing the back of his scalp, they swayed together on the couch, both crying for a lost friend, but for very different reasons. Each sob Spencer let out on her shoulder tore her to shreds; it was like her heart was being put through a meat grinder, and the worst part was, she had to let it get torn to shreds in order to keep Emily safe. “It’s my fault,” he said softly.

Her heart dropped. The pieces that were no longer connected had been stomped on. “How is it your fault?” she asked as her resolve to keep the truth waned by the second. “How could any of this possibly have been your fault?”

Spencer pulled away from her shoulder and stared at her blankly. The words were on his tongue, but he couldn’t bring himself to voice them. Because voicing them gave them life and truth and he didn’t want that to be his truth. “If I’d been faster or smarter, maybe she’d still be here. Maybe I could’ve kept her from going. If I had known I could’ve convinced her that she was better off with us than out there all alone. And now she’s gone.”

“It was Emily’s decision not to say anything. She thought she was doing what was best for us. None of that is your fault. It’s Doyle’s fault. Ian Doyle did this to her. Not us.” 

The speed with which his head spun toward her took her by complete surprise. Spencer never yelled; he rarely lost his temper. Yet here he was, now pacing and screaming that this was all his fault. “JJ, do you have any idea how many people are dead because I wasn’t clever enough, wasn’t quick enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t good enough?! I could done something! I could’ve saved her and now she’s dead!” 

JJ’s stomach lurched at the thought. Bile rose in her throat. Not only was Emily not actually dead, Spencer was doubting everything he’d ever done and ever person he’d ever saved because of it. “There is nothing you or any of us could’ve done to save Emily,” she insisted, each word punctuated and precise. Her hope was that more force would beat the words into his system, make him believe them in an instant - one so that he could stop hurting, and two, so that she could keep her resolve and keep Emily safe while protecting what was left of her shattered heart. “Nothing.” 

Grabbing his face in her hands, she pulled it backward and repeated the word - nothing - over and over again. “There is nothing you could’ve done and there is nothing wrong with you! You are one of the most amazing, smart, caring, loving men I’ve ever known and you did everything you could to save her. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Do you hear me, Spencer Reid?” She was yelling at him; she never yelled at him. “Say it!”

His lip quivered as the tears fell down onto the couch beneath them. “Look at me, Spence! Say it. Say it wasn’t your fault. Say you do the best you could until you believe it because it’s the truth.”

“It’s not…” he started, unable to get the words out. “It’s not my fault.” Much like before, it was said with flat affect. He didn’t believe it. She knew he didn’t believe it. There was nothing she could do to convince him. All that was needed was time. His head fell into her lap, the tears soaking the material of her jeans as the streamed even harder than before.

She didn’t stop him. She said nothing more. She loved him, but she loved Emily too and if she was too keep her safe, she needed to keep this secret. And if she was to keep this secret, she couldn’t say anything more, because her resolve was at an all time low. How was she supposed to betray one friend to protect another? How was she supposed to watch this day after day, knowing that she held the key to his release and happiness? She felt sick to her stomach. 

After nearly an hour and a half of nonstop crying, he’d gone numb. “Thanks for trying, JJ. I really do appreciate it.”

“Keep saying it to yourself,” she said as he got up and slipped his coat back on, ready to walk out the door, no better or worse than before. “Keep saying it until you believe it. You did everything you could, and-”

She nearly said Emily was alive. It had almost slipped out of her mouth.

“And you know Emily didn’t feel anything but love for all of us until the bitter end. That’s why she did what she did.” Spencer nodded his head, accepting her words, but not believing them before saying goodbye and walking out the door. “Love you, Spence.”

“Love you, too, JJ. I really do.”

The minute he was out of earshot, she collapsed onto her knees on the floor, dissolving into her own puddle of tears. She could fix all of this. She could run after him and tell him the truth - insist that he couldn’t say anything to anyone, but she didn’t. Harbored lies were her burden now; she and Aaron had to sit by and watch the team dissolve into sadness and anger, while they knew the truth. 

Meanwhile, Spencer went numb, shifting uncomfortably into the driver’s seat. Before he started to drive, he caught sight of himself in the rearview mirror. His eyes were sunken, his skin drawn, his face seemingly devoid of life. JJ was right. He had to try and convince himself to believe it, so he looked in the mirror.

“It wasn’t my fault,” he said, his voice shaking as if not believing the lie.

Again. “It wasn’t my fault.”

“It wasn’t my fault.”


End file.
